


waver's minivan

by StormySkiesAhead



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: (well the reason is waver), Alternate Universe - Servant Swap, Crack, Gen, Servant Swap, but only in this, english name order for some reason, gilgamesh is less of a top tier jerk and more of a feral toddler, i haven't consumed fate series content in five years, it's a nine passenger minivan, mild implied waver/iskandar but not enough for an actual relationship tag, please do not expect me to adhere closely to canon, servant swap but ONLY for rider, they're just the team dads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormySkiesAhead/pseuds/StormySkiesAhead
Summary: If someone were to ask anyone involved when the Fifth Fuyuki Holy Grail War went- well, not wrong, not really wrong by the standards of most of the people involved, but when it went strange, the interviewee would have probably cast their eyes over to Sakura Matou and muffled their laugh behind their hands, before repeating the question in an over-the-top, mocking tone.-Or, a particular purple-haired child summons the King of Conquerors, who promptly calls his previous Master and potentially Child Protective Services as well.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	waver's minivan

If someone were to ask anyone involved when the Fifth Fuyuki Holy Grail War went- well, not  _ wrong, _ not  _ really _ wrong by the standards of most of the people involved, but when it went  _ strange,  _ the interviewee would have probably cast their eyes over to Sakura Matou and muffled their laugh behind their hands, before repeating the question in an over-the-top, mocking tone.

The thing is, while the Matou family did, in fact, manage to procure some high-quality Ancient Greek catalyst, they never bothered to check if they were one hundred percent correct about  _ which _ catalyst they were using. If they had, they might have spent a little longer arguing for the  _ correct _ catalyst, the one that wouldn’t summon such an inherent, if powerful, wildcard, and maybe the Fifth Fuyuki Holy Grail War would have gone as it did in thousands of other scenarios.

The second mistake that the Matou family made was allowing Sakura to Summon on her own. It was a quiet request, a veil of acquiescence- a moment of quiet for the little girl who seldom got to be anything for herself. It was something that was granted suspiciously, but granted all the same- a few moments alone with her Servant, in exchange for her participation in the Grail War.

And so, there was nobody there when, instead of a woman with petrifying eyes that would have argued for Sakura to break away and kill her so-called family but that would have acquiesced when it was requested of her, a man that would have seemed more of a giant to anyone watching stands in her place.

Unlike Medusa, Iskandar doesn’t give out a second option. Instead, the man takes one look at the little girl that summoned him, takes a much longer look at his surroundings, and, with narrowed eyes that look somewhat odd on his normally much friendlier face, decides “no, we’re not doing this today”.

That is, of course, how Rider, or, rather, Iskandar, better known as Alexander the Great, King of Macedonia, kidnaps his sixteen year old Master and promptly burns her so-called-family’s house down.

Well, it’s a slightly longer story than that (and, unfortunately, involves much less murder than people may hope for), but in all honesty, that really is how the story goes. At least, the short version of the story. After all, Iskandar has never been known for his restraint. Fortunately, Sakura is a quick study to the lessons that can be learned from making friends with a man who will gladly kidnap a person away from their terrible family. Therefore, she doesn’t question why Iskandar commandeers another city’s- another  _ country’s _ phonebook and the landline of a keen-eyed older woman who, while Iskandar is on the phone, takes her to the side of the room and asks if she’s being kidnapped.

“I… I asked him to get me out of there,” she says quietly, “I paid him to get me away from them. He’s… a bounty hunter. He didn’t know it was that bad, though, so we had to get out sooner.”

The woman narrows her eyes, but nods decisively.

“Alright, dear. Just let me know if that changes, and you need any help, alright? I would hope you’d know I’d be glad to help you out, given that it’s two o’clock in the morning and you’re still in my bookstore. Oh, and tell him that his friend’s going to need a multi-passenger vehicle of some kind. A van, maybe?”

Sakura nods, staring wide-eyed at the kind old woman, who hands her a cookie for her efforts. There’s something odd in the back of her eyes, something that Sakura doesn’t notice- they reflect the light, like an animal’s.

However, in a world where spirits of the dead are summoned for a battle royale over a corrupt object, even if Sakura  _ had _ noticed the light catching in the old woman’s tapetum lucidum, the chances are that the already traumatized girl would  _ care _ that the old woman who’s been cautious and kind with her is a little…  _ strange _ would be next to none.

After all, Sakura can’t throw stones on the ‘strange’ department- she  _ is _ one of the people that’s summoned a dead man. A sort of dead man who is currently holding the phone to his chest and biting back a massive smile as he slides down against the wall. The old woman blinks at Sakura and shrugs her shoulders, but doesn’t go to hide in the shelves of her bookshop. Instead, she carefully arranges herself on a chair, and keeps a cautious eye on the massive man currently taking up an entire aisle all to himself as he chats with what seems to be an old friend.

Sakura tries to avoid her confusion, because, from what he’d told her quietly as they’d made their escape to safer ground- her Servant is, well, Iskandar, king of Macedonia and most of the known world in his time. Not exactly the kind of person who would have friends in the modern age, to say the least, much less one that could actually help in their situation.

So, then, who is the person on the other end of the line?

* * *

Waver Velvet, known to many as Lord El-Melloi II, is very grateful for the fact that timezones exist. He’s not entirely sure as to  _ why _ someone is frantically ringing his cell at five in the afternoon, but he doesn’t mind it all that much. At least they hadn’t woken him up in the middle of the night.  _ That  _ could have been absolutely  _ miserable, _ and he likely wouldn’t have bothered with even considering answering like he’s doing now.

Waver sighs, digging his fingers into the fur of the old red mantle that lays on the back of his chair and swinging it over his shoulder, before he reaches for the phone.

_ ‘Hm. Isn’t that Fuyuki City’s area code? Bazett’s not due to leave with Lancer for another day or two,’ _ he thinks, drumming his fingers into the red fabric along his side.

“This is Waver Velvet speaking, what do you want?”

“Oh, good!” a familiar, familiar,  _ FAMILIAR _ voice on the other side of the line shouts, and Waver  _ freezes, _ eyes wide and mouth open in shock, “I was hoping it was you-”

“Iskandar?” he breathes out, hand clapping over his mouth. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he moves to wipe at his eyes and finds his hands blurry and wet with tears. This is… 

“Yes, who else would it be?” his King asks, voice gentle. He’s likely borrowing someone else’s phone right now, so Waver can’t find it in him to be wary about the fact that the normally boisterous man is so quiet and relaxed at the moment.

“... Someone playing a very,  _ very _ cruel prank on me,” Waver whispers, curling in on himself in his chair.

“It’s not,” Iskandar replies, “Actually, I’m calling because… we need your help, Waver.”

_ Fuck. _ Waver should have realized- it’s fully possible, especially with such a quick turnover between Grail Wars, for Servants to have been Summoned twice in a row. His own hand aches with the lack of command seals, and he rubs at it absently.

“We?”

“My new Master, Sakura Matou,” Iskandar whispers- or, well, as much as the man  _ can _ whisper, “She’s sixteen, and she’s hurting  _ so much, _ Waver.  _ They _ have hurt her  _ so much.  _ You have a legal identity in this time- you can help me get her  _ out of here.” _

Waver blinks, and steps up to pace around the room, Iskandar’s mantle still slung over his shoulder like a security blanket.

“Alright,” he says, skimming over the fur of the mantle with his other hand, “I’ll be arriving as soon as I can with another Master and Servant in tow. Stay alive, make sure she gets some food, and we can discuss things more when I get there. I know it’ll be difficult for you, but don’t do anything stupid.”

On the other end of the line, Iskandar chuckles, voice fond.

“I’ve missed you,” his King says, even though it must have been only a blink of an eye to the massive man- a blink of an eye that had lasted ten years for Waver himself.

“I’ve missed you too,” Waver whispers, and hums something out lowly under his breath, “Was there anything else that you think I should know? Before I go track down Bazett and drag her with me on one very long plane ride, that is- I doubt you’ll be able to contact me in flight.”

“Ah, the nice old woman that let me borrow her phone suggested that you pick up a minivan! There will be five of us along with cargo, after all! Sakura may be small but she deserves a seat to herself!” Iskandar half-shouts over the line. Waver blinks, and scrunches his nose, and decides immediately to look for the minivan with the largest passenger capacity that he can find on such short notice.

Well, after he tells Bazett that he’ll be tagging along, at least. He doubts Lancer will mind- he’d met him to congratulate Bazett on her successful summoning, even if it means they had to procure a passport for the blue-haired legend, and he seems like a well-intentioned man, but the Enforcer might not appreciate someone else stepping on her toes in this regard.

Oh, well. If there’s anyone who will understand a mutual desire to do anything for the myth that once stood in their summoning circle, it’ll be her.

A day and a half later finds two mages and a Servant procuring as many wine bottles as they can fit into the trunk of the minivan without compromising any of the seats. Something tells Waver that they’re going to need every last one of them.

* * *

Sakura doesn’t exactly know  _ how _ the Crest Worms were taken care of (and neither does Rider, which is… concerning, but there’s a knowing look in the old lady’s eyes, so she’ll drop it for now and accept the fact that she’s free of her burden), just that they were, and that she’d slept for a day straight and proceeded to eat half a pantry immediately upon waking.

Sakura Who Doesn’t Really Feel Like She Should Be Going By Matou But Doesn’t Really Want To Dig Up Her Birth Family’s Name Either is better rested than she’s been since she was five years old. She’s a little concerned about the fact that Rider’s friend is bringing another Master and Servant pair along with him, but maybe, just maybe, they’ll be able to help each other out in the Grail War instead of fighting in earnest? If Rider trusts this man, and this man trusts the other Master, then she has to admit, there’s probably a better chance that they’ll be willing to get along with her. Sakura doesn’t know what to do with  _ allies, _ especially not ones that might see her as having any power at all in a combat scenario.

But Rider is  _ her _ Servant, and for all his boasting and… noise, he  _ does _ listen to her when it counts, and he will in the future- Sakura knows that much. She’s not sure if that last bit might have more to do with the fact that Rider is worried about betraying what little trust that Sakura has left in other people than any actual faith in her own skill, but even then, he does still listen, so there’s that.

That might be why Sakura trusts him enough to react in the way that she wants to, rather than reacting in the way that’s probably expected of her. In short, she clambers onto the massive man’s back with a shout, staring at the minivan that’s screeched to a halt directly in front of the both of them.

“Rider! Do you want to drive?” a man with very,  _ very _ long hair and a trustworthy air about him (Sakura’s not exactly sure as to what  _ makes _ him trustworthy beyond ‘Rider trusts him’, but he definitely  _ is _ trustworthy, that much she can be absolutely certain of) calls from the front seat. When Sakura’s Servant nods his massive head, the man immediately lunges into the passenger seat, making room for Rider in the driver’s side. Sakura notes that he has a vacuum-sealed bag containing an exact copy of Rider’s mantle in the passenger seat with him. If she had any doubts as to who this man was before, she doesn’t anymore.

Sakura’s train of thought is cut off with a yelp when a blue-clad arm pulls her abruptly through the open window of the backseat of the minivan.

“Friendly reminder,” says Lancer, pointing a spear towards the dashboard, “that when you  _ rent a minivan _ to insure the safety of a child Master, it’s a little fuckin’ important to make sure that said child Master is  _ in the car. _ Also, hospital?  _ Now?” _

Sakura, for the first time, takes note of the fact that there is a woman bleeding very heavily from her shoulder in the other window seat. It might have been funny to see a six foot tall man decked head to toe in bright blue squishing himself into the middle seat of the middle row of a minivan in any other situation.

The woman with a severe injury in the window seat makes that… less funny.

“What happened?” Sakura can’t help herself from asking, and Lancer and his Master wince in unison, while the dark-haired man that Rider had identified as ‘Waver’ lets out an honest to goodness  _ snarl. _

_ “Kotomine _ happened,” Lancer’s Master grits out, “I was under the impression that we were  _ friends- _ we certainly worked together enough for me to consider us such. That was, until he tried to murder me for my Command Seals. And for Lancer.”

“Bazett, you’re going to be  _ fine,” _ Lancer says, running a hand over hers soothingly. Waver gives the three of them a shaky smile from the front seat. Sakura feels safer in a minivan with three total strangers (one of whom is seriously injured) and her giant of a Servant than she has in any other moment in the past eleven years. There’s no Grandfather here, and there’s no Shinji, either, and if either of them  _ do _ show their faces- well, Sakura shouldn’t put  _ too _ much faith in her rescuers (people do have the tendency to disappoint her often and without mercy, after all- the one lone exception in her heart that she can find is Uncle Kariya, who at least  _ died trying _ ), but she has the feeling that at least  _ Shinji _ would end up as a bloodstain on the pavement.

Normally, Sakura wouldn’t find it in herself to  _ hope _ like this. But the worms are  _ gone, _ somehow- Sakura really, really  _ would _ like to know  _ how _ in case she ever needs to insure a repeat performance- and with their absence, she feels like she can  _ breathe _ again. She’s  _ out _ of that house, with a Servant who  _ called two other mages and another Servant _ as backup,  _ for her, _ and it really,  _ really _ looks like she’s  _ never _ going to have to go back  _ ever again. _

“Is there anyone you feel should know about the fact that you’re safe and that you need to stay as far away from your family as possible?” Waver asks, meeting Sakura’s eyes through the mirror. A hand flies to Sakura’s mouth.

“Oh  _ no- _ Yes, two people. Shirou Emiya and Taiga Fujimura,” she says, and rattles off Shirou’s address, “A friend and a teacher.”

“And neither of them noticed?” Rider rumbles in the closest the gigantic man can get to a true whisper. Sakura wishes she had hackles to raise, because it’s  _ not their fault _ that they didn’t notice.

Sakura’s just really good at hiding that sort of thing, that’s all.

“No,” she says instead, “They didn’t. And Shirou’s nice to everyone- he tries to help  _ everyone- _ so he doesn’t always notice little things all the time. They’re nice, they’re just  _ tired.” _

The defensiveness of the, until Rider’s summoning,  _ only _ two living people in the world that she trusted  _ at all _ is a shock to even her. Sakura doesn’t know  _ how _ she’s found the energy to stand her ground on this one, but from the way that the shoulders of the rest of the minivan’s occupants sag in relief at her minor outburst, it was the right thing to do.

“Right, so, should we let them know ahead of time that we’re coming or do we just crash whatever party…” Bazett says, tilting her head to the side, deep magenta hair falling across her red eyes.

“Hospital,” Lancer says firmly. Sakura cocks her head to the side, and runs a hand through her own hair with a scrunched expression firmly in place on her face.

“Shirou always has medical supplies with him- he really does like to help people. If her injuries aren’t deep, we could stitch her up once we get to his house,” Sakura offers gently with a shrug of her shoulders, trying to keep from folding in on herself. Lancer hums in quiet approval. The hero of old looks out the window, past his Master, seemingly memorizing the city streets as they go by.

“This place has changed an awful lot in just ten years,” Waver says quietly, “Quite a few of these buildings are practically brand new.”

“There was a fire,” Sakura replies, voice equally soft, “A bad one. Most of the structures had to be completely rebuilt. I- I think Grandfather might have said it was the Grail’s fault.”

“Hmm, that would explain it,” Rider posits from the driver’s seat, “I would like to know  _ why _ the Grail did something like that, though. Ah, speaking of- before we arrive at your friend’s house, Sakura, do any of you have wishes you’d like to make?”

“All I wanted was to get out of that house,” Sakura points out, “And you’ve helped me do that already. Staying out, maybe?  _ Getting rid of Grandfather?” _

She can’t help the violence that leaks into that last sentence. Bazett stares at her with a bleary expression, but Lancer gives her a sharp-toothed grin, and Rider lets out a boisterous laugh.

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen, even  _ without _ the Grail! Ah, Bazett? Do you have any wishes you’d like to make?”

“Honestly? Not really, I was more focused on summoning this guy,” the woman grits out, indicating Lancer, “His story always seemed so  _ sad. _ Figured that if there was anything I could do about that, I would do it.”

“That’s… actually very sweet,” Waver says, barely loud enough for the rest of the passengers to hear. Sakura has to agree. Lancer gives a sheepish laugh, and rolls his shoulders, fiddling with his ponytail as he looks more critically at his Master.

“I kinda just want to have fun and fight a lot, honestly. Looks like this one’s shaping up enough for that much.”

“So none of us are particularly attached to the wish-granting aspect of the Grail, then,” Waver hums, “We’ll have to ask around and see if any of the other Masters are in the same boat, so to speak, when we find them, especially with the false Overseer running around. Ah, it looks like we’re here.”

The sun’s gone down on their drive over. The moon casts Shirou’s home in a faded blue light that darkens the vivid reds in Rider’s and Bazett’s hair and turns the whole world almost silver. A sound- a crash, maybe? Splintering glass?- echoes over the walls, and her head snaps towards the home.

There’s a blur of red and blue, barely enough for Sakura to register, and the backseat is far more empty.

Like magic, her eyes find Lancer, red spear outstretched under the neck of a woman with green eyes deader than stone.

* * *

“Ah, Saber!” Iskandar calls from the driver’s seat, “I see you were re-summoned as well! If I may ask, what are you doing here? Lancer, please move your weapon away from her major blood vessels!”

“My Master lives here,” Saber says flatly, at the same time as Lancer snaps,  _ “Hell no, _ you’ve got my Master and a kid in that care, ain’t no way I’m letting her past me.” The latter of those two outbursts seems to pique Saber’s interest, because the woman in the impractical-looking armored ball gown (well, the ball gown aspect is impractical- the armor is actually decent-looking, as it was the  _ last _ time around) very obviously peers around the blue-clad spearman into the passenger seat of the minivan.

“Ah, not me,” Waver says, reaching under his long hair to scratch at the back of his neck sheepishly, “I’m just here for support. We’re looking for a friend of Rider’s Master this Grail War- ah, I think she said his name was Shirou Emiya?”

At that, Saber moves as if to attack the occupants of the minivan, and Lancer raises his spear to block, a snarl etching its way across the man’s face- or, at least as much of it as Waver can see from this angle. Waver sighs, and rolls down the window completely, placing both empty hands out of the car and looking Saber directly in the eye.

“You can ask your Master about it if you’d like. Sakura, dear, would you mind rolling down the window? Anyways, if you could inform Shirou Emiya that Sakura Matou is with us, alive, perfectly fine, and not being kidnapped- Sakura-”

“I’m not being kidnapped,” Sakura states, and Waver’s genuinely surprised and more than a little bit proud of the almost snarky deadpan in the girl’s voice, “This is probably the least kidnapped I’ve been since I was five. Also, don’t trust my brother.”

“... Thank you,” Saber states, “I’ll be taking my leave now. Unless…”

Waver’s eyes flicker over to Bazett in the middle row of seats, still bleeding (and still trying to keep the blood off of the seat covers- how thoughtful! Although she should probably focus more on her own health than worrying about getting the van dirty), and sighs.

“If you could please also inform him that we have a Magus with some moderately severe injuries and that the Overseer is not to be trusted as he attempted to murder said Magus and likely would have succeeded had I not been present…” Waver trails off. Saber’s eyes widen. Moments after she leaves, a redheaded boy- a year or so older than Sakura, maybe a year and a half if he’s pushing it, which means this must be Emiya (although he doesn’t look anything like the Magus Killer)- bursts out into the yard, medical kit in hand.

“Well, that’s Shirou for you,” Sakura says, voice softer than it had been since she’d first gotten into the minivan, “Always ready to help.”

* * *

“So… you weren’t kidnapped,” Shirou says, narrowing his eyes at the group that Sakura came in with, “Good. I asked Shinji-”

“Don’t tell him where I am,” Sakura replies, eyes wide, “Please.” The big, redheaded man- another Servant, Saber had mentioned, who’d introduced himself as Rider- snaps a sizeable stick between his hands. He doesn’t  _ look _ like the type to get angry (well, he sort of does- he’s a big man, after all, but he does exude gentle giant energy in regards to his Master), but he’s clearly protective when it comes to Sakura- not surprising, from what he’s learned about Servants today. The only other Servants he’s met before now were Assassin, who tried to kill him, and Rin’s Archer, who seems nice enough, at least, and does fit the bill when it comes to being protective over his Master.

Rider and Lancer, though? They take things to the  _ extreme. _ Lancer’s practically paced a hole in his floor already just when he was waiting for Shirou to finish patching up his Master- Bazett, her name is- whereas apparently Rider is overprotective enough to  _ call _ his Master from the  _ previous _ Grail War and ask for help.

Shirou really doesn’t want to think about why Rider would  _ need _ to be so overprotective (and what that means regarding his failure to save this one person that means so much to him), but if he’s going to be interacting with all of them on a regular basis, he might as well acknowledge it, and mentally resolve to keep Shinji as far away from Sakura as he can manage.

She’d looked too afraid when his name came up. Shirou doesn’t like how that sits in his gut. Archer and Rin make their way cautiously to where everyone else is sitting- Sakura stiffens when she catches sight of Rin, but otherwise her expression doesn’t change all that much.

“We think there might be something wrong with the Grail,” the long-haired man- Waver, he’d introduced himself as Waver- says, “Which is why we’d like to know your goals ahead of time, and see what we can do about them.”

* * *

It takes about thirty minutes, all told, for them to conclude that yes, there must be something wrong with the Grail and to decide that the best course of action will be taking out a) the remaining members of the Matou family, b) the other competitors in the Grail War that pose an actual risk to themselves, since three out of the four Masters among them are  _ children, _ and c) the Grail itself, when the opportunity arises.

It takes another five minutes for another kid to show their face. This one has Berserker at her back and the Einzbern family name to push her forwards, but she’s still a kid in Bazett’s eyes.

Maybe that’s why it only takes another hundred and twenty seconds before she’s sitting in their main circle, Berserker at watch by the door.

“I’m… honestly impressed. I thought that would take longer,” Archer says, directing wide eyes at the homunculus, who smiles broadly.

Bazett wisely does not mention that the sole reason that Illya is sitting with them at this moment is the fact that Waver Velvet acts like a man who’s gotten all of his adoption applications approved at once and is very committed to caring for every single one of the children he’s been approved for. She knows exactly  _ why- _ the man has a history of similar behavior.

It’s one of the many reasons that he’s made such a fine teacher over the past decade.

Bazett wonders if having Rider back- even if it’s as someone else’s Servant- will emphasize or reduce his parenting energy. She’s honestly not sure about all of that.

“So, that leaves Caster, Assassin, and whoever Goldie was,” Lancer hums, leaning into her side, “Looks like it’s shaping up to be a half-decent fight, at least!”

“Five versus three,” Saber notes, spinning a pen in her hand like it’s a small knife (or perhaps a crossbow bolt?), “Not an even match, that is for certain, but we are not aiming for honor- we are aiming for lives saved, after all.”

“Assassin’s current Master is the priest- he’s Goldie’s, too,” Bazett points out, “Goldie didn’t look too happy about being around him, though, and he was keeping his distance. Only reason we’re alive, probably. I have a lot of faith in Lancer, but I don’t like his odds against two other Servants at once.”

“I could’ve done it,” Lancer grumbles, “Don’t  _ look _ at me like that. I could’ve pulled it off.”

The ten other people in the room (even Berserker, wonder of all wonders) collectively give him the world’s most skeptical look.

Bazett allows herself a little bit of time to laugh, for the rest of the day. Sakura had asked to talk to her alone for a little bit- something she was uncomfortable telling anyone else, apparently, and despite the fact that she’s known the kid for less than a day- well, less than two days by the time the conversation comes to pass- she  _ is _ apparently the only option for That Kind Of Conversation.

Nobody questions her when she slams her hands down on the ground as she rejoins the circle and says that the rest of the Matou family are going  _ down. _

* * *

While Caster (and, apparently, her summoned second Assassin) might normally have been a challenge to- or even the death of- even a Servant of significant importance, she’s not a challenge to  _ five of them. _ Strength is in numbers and it doesn’t even really wind up putting a significant strain on anyone’s mana.

Zouken Matou goes up in flames on the same day that Waver’s adoption paperwork for Sakura goes through.

That, of course, leaves Kotomine, the actual Assassin for this Grail War, and whoever the jerk in the golden armor is.

* * *

“Who even  _ are _ you,” the Servant in the golden armor snarls. Lancer grins, and lights a firework in one hand and prepares to chuck it.

“Fuck around and find out!” the blue-clad Servant yells from the window of the minivan. Waver makes eye contact with Bazett through the rearview mirror and sighs deeply. Bazett shrugs, and lets her eyes wander over towards the other car following behind them, because Berserker simply would not fit in the minivan no matter how hard they tried.

* * *

“Entertain me,” said golden Servant barks as he climbs into the minivan with the rest of them.

“STRANGER DANGER!” Sakura shouts, punting him out through the sliding door and slamming it shut. Waver hits the gas and guns it.

“Aren’t most of the people in this vehicle strangers, though?” Shirou posits, drumming his fingers along the window.

Sakura shrugs, and looks out the window to find the golden Servant stubbornly clinging on to the side of the minivan.

* * *

“So… we’re more interesting than Kotomine, I’m guessing?”

“Exceedingly so,” the King of Heroes, as he has properly introduced himself as, grumbles, “Now, make room.”

“No,” Waver replies, “We’re out of space. Either find one of the back seat adults to sit with-  _ not _ Archer, the poor man is stuck in the trunk in that backwards facing seat with all of the weapons already- find another car, or sit on top of the roof.”

Like the toddler he is at heart, Gilgamesh turns wide red eyes towards Waver.

“I can-” he coughs, and the childlike wonder is gone, “I will sit on the roof.”

Honestly, it turns out to be an excellent sniping position, though Waver’s not sure what they’re going to be doing about it, given that they only have one other Master-Servant pair to bother with. Along with the Grail. That’s… going to be an issue.

* * *

“Archer, stop antagonizing Shirou, or you’re going up on the roof with Gilgamesh. Shirou is a teenager. You are a grown adult. I don’t know what your  _ problem _ with him is, but you are going to fix it before we have to stop for gas next,” Waver scolds. He can’t see the white-haired Archer’s expression from here, but Lancer assures him that the man has been properly chastised.

Shirou looks smug, for some reason. Rin yawns from where she is in the middle seat and goes back to her book.

* * *

Gilgamesh cheers loudly from where they’ve strapped him to the roof like a kayak. Assassin slides  _ off _ of the roof and dissipates like ash in the wind.

Saber peers down into Waver’s passenger side window and smiles.

Iskandar, the true champion of fathers on vacation with their brood of children everywhere, continues to drive, barely bothered by the legendary fight that occurred on the roof.

* * *

Honestly, Waver should have expected  _ absolutely nothing _ to happen when they destroyed the Grail. Ah, yes, some of the loyalties may have flipped (the drain on his mana from sustaining Iskandar, though not as a full Servant anymore, and more of the man he was before he died, is back, and Waver greatly appreciates it), and some Masters may be sustaining more Servants than others, now (namely Bazett, who has somehow managed to collect familiar bonds for  _ both _ Archer and Lancer, and has released Rin to take Saber from Shirou), but honestly, he still has too many passengers in his minivan.

Gilgamesh had better behave. Waver’s certain that if he actually annoys Iskandar more, the man might let him fall off the roof and then proceed to run him over.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly yeah this has absolutely nothing to do with canon but! it would not vacate my skull cavity so here y'all go i hope i was funny


End file.
